so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
