If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
