.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My breasts were aching with rage.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
