remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
