i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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