We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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