is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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