I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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