hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
