There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
