My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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