Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
