and you said cock pushups were impossible
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
