I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
