remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
