I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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