he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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