If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
