Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize