A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
