You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
