Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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