I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
