sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
