i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
