I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
