I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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