so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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