i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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