Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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