life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
