The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize