Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize