oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
if only i could text you this smell
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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