HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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