My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
