So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
