if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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