i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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