If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
