This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
