Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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