Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
