I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just high enough for therapy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
