remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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