I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't think brook has ever known best
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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