John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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