she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
