There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
