Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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