Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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