Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
