Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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