We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
