The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
